Feedback is a gift, they say. Feedback is the breakfast of champions, they say. Feedback is great for development… until it’s not. Don’t get me wrong, I’m a great proponent of giving and receiving feedback, AND over the years I have learnt a critical skill rarely talked about – the ability to ignore it.
I haven’t always had this skill. There was a time when I would take on (and welcome) any and all feedback that would come my way. I figured if someone was making the effort to give me feedback, then it must be valuable in some way. I would listen, and try to take the feedback on board. Until I became exhausted, annoyed and confused. Over time I realised that I had often received conflicting feedback. “The report has too much information in it - The report has too little information in it - Your style is too soft - Your style is too strong.” And on and on it went. I felt pulled from pillar to post with no way to ground myself into what was right.
Granted, I still find all feedback valuable… but not in the way I used to. Nowadays, I have realised that the feedback you receive is not always about you (although it appears to be on the surface) – sometimes it’s about the person giving you the feedback.
Often people give feedback based on their preferences, their experiences and their perspectives. If these references do not match your own needs, then sometimes the feedback can be off base.
Melody received the feedback from her boss that she was too detailed and needed to ‘cut it back a bit’. She had never received this feedback before but tried to condense her communications anyway. Eventually people started coming back to her to seek more details, telling her that she was leaving out vital information. She felt frustrated with this conflicting feedback. Was she too detailed, or not detailed enough?
After chatting to a colleague about it, she realised that it wasn’t that her communications were too detailed in general, it was that they were too detailed for her boss. He was a very big picture communicator, and found her work too verbose. The takeaway for Melody was not to change her whole style, but just to alter it for him. The feedback came as a direct result of his preferences, not her inadequacies on the whole.
Here’s where the feedback filter comes in handy…
When you receive feedback, run it through this filter to see how valid it is:
1. Is this true most of the time, or just with this person?
2. Is this person someone I respect and trust?
3. Does this person have my best interests at heart?
4. Are there serious consequences to ignoring this person’s feedback?
If you’ve run the feedback through this filter, you’ll know whether it is to be ignored, or actioned. If it comes from someone you don’t trust, don’t respect and who doesn’t have your best interest at heart, then feel free to ignore it. If ignoring it has career consequences because of the persons’ seniority, then just know why you are changing your behaviour. It’s not because of how you are, it’s because of how they see you.
Permission to adapt in the moment, and ignore in the long-term!
You’re welcome. :)