How to get what you want from someone else

Give it to them first. Seriously. That’s it. Give it to them first.

You want someone to be nicer to you. Be nicer to them. You want someone to be more open with you. Be more open with them. Less hostile? Be more friendly. You get the picture.

This may sound simple, common sense even, but you know what they say about common sense… it’s rarely common. And so it is in this case.

I coach so many people stuck in a communication impasse and you’d be surprised how often it’s the other persons’ fault. ‘They should be more respectful. They should be more open.’ When I ask them “Are you respectful to them? Are you open?” I hear one of two responses:

Client:   Well of course I am.
Coach:   Really? In exactly the same way you would be with your best friend or most respected colleague?
Client:   Well… maybe not exactly.

Or this one:

Client:   Well of course not. Why should I be? They are so rude they don’t deserve my respect. 
Coach:   Isn’t it possible that this is exactly what they are thinking about you?

When you want someone else to change their behaviour, the quickest way to get there is to go first. 
Bite the bullet; swallow your pride; treat them as a respected friend or colleague, and see what happens. You may be surprised how quickly they change after you do.

Coaching tips:

  • What would be different if I gave the other person what I most wanted from them (respect, love, trust, courtesy)?
  • What do I need to believe about them or this situation to do that?
  •  If I change and they still don’t change, would I want my current behaviour as front page news?

As a professional People Whisperer, Anneli has been working with leaders and teams to improve their communication and interpersonal intelligence for almost a decade.
If you’d like to improve your interpersonal effectiveness and influence, or decode the behaviours’ of others, contact Anneli today.

w:       t: @AnneliBlundell

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