In my role as an executive coach, I get to work with some very talented people – mostly high-performers with a track record of delivering the goods, driving the change, and growing their people.
Most of these clients don’t struggle with knowing what they want, or what they think. But sometimes they do struggle with how hard they can ‘push’ (particularly if they are women in leadership).
There is a fine balance between results and relationships and in our desire to protect our relationships, we sometimes downplay our focus on results – we prioritise friendly over firm. This puts us in danger of being ‘too nice’, ‘too accommodating’… and maybe even, a ‘pushover’. It doesn’t mean we don't get the results, it just means we have to work harder to get our outcomes because we are working overtime to protect the relationship and not ruffle any feathers along the way. It can be exhausting.
And we are of course, leaving our credibility on the table. When we are not able or willing to stand firm, to push back, or be direct, we compromise our ability to be seen as someone worth listening to - first time, every time.
So how do we know we need to be firmer, tougher, or more direct? When is it time to be less compromising and more authoritative, despite our fear of jeopardising the relationship? Here’s what I’ve learnt in the last 20 years of coaching my clients.
3 signs you need to strengthen your stance
1. When “firm” feels mean
If being direct makes you feel like you’ve crossed a line, that’s a clear signal.
It usually means your system isn’t used to it. Your body reads clarity as conflict. So even when you are simply stating what you need, it feels like you are being ‘too aggressive’ or ‘too mean’ or ‘too difficult’. But you’re not.
You’re just not cushioning it the way you normally would.
There’s a difference between being confrontational and being clear. If this feels uncomfortable, it’s not a red flag. It’s a sign you are stretching into something you haven’t practised enough yet.
2. You say the thing… then rush to smooth it over
I call this the Slap and Sooth approach.
You manage to be direct, and then almost immediately you try to soften it, to smooth things over.
You might over-explain, or back track on what you’ve said or be overly nice as a way to “balance it out”.
But that’s repair behaviour and it comes from the belief that you’ve done something wrong. That holding a line or saying no needs fixing. It doesn’t.
Clarity is not damage. It doesn’t need a follow-up apology tour. And when you treat it like it does, you quietly undo your own authority.
3. You hold back… until you don’t
You stay polite, you repeat yourself, or you bite your tongue but to no avail. You’re still not being heard or taken seriously. And you do this over and over until it just gets too much.
Eventually you flip your lid, the pressure cooker explodes and you go too hard. Genuinely. And then you get accused of ‘being emotional’ or needing to ‘calm down’ because it was just a tiny thing. But it wasn’t. Not to you. To you, it was death by a thousand cuts but this person doesn't know you have been biting your tongue all this time.
Pressure explodes when the valve has not been released early enough and often enough.
Small, steady signals beat one big explosion every time.
What it looks like when you get it right
Once you begin to amplify your authority over accommodation, conversations begin to change.
You say things earlier, more often, with greater clarity and composure.
The message stops feeling like a big moment and starts feeling like part of the job.
No long lead-up. No clean-up afterwards. Just, “this is what needs to be said”.
You become trusted to say what needs to be said in the moments that matter most. And in the current leadership landscape, the currency of courage, is a premium skill in high demand.