We know that communication is a two-way street. But just because you’ve spoken, and the other person has replied, doesn’t mean real communication has occurred. The key for leaders is to figure out how they are being heard, so they can ensure their team members are hearing their ‘meaning’ and not just their ‘message’. The two are not always the same.

Nathan asked one of his team members, Hayden, to deliver the monthly report in time for the client meeting. Hayden didn't deliver the report. Nathan enquired as to why the report wasn't ready and Hayden replied that he ‘wasn’t able to get to it.’ Nathan didn’t want to reprimand Hayden too quickly, as he felt there may be legitimate reasons as to why it didn’t get done. But at the same time, he was getting frustrated with what seemed to be a growing trend. Hayden appeared to understand the instructions Nathan gave him, yet too often he failed to deliver on them as expected. Nathan wondered if he was being clear enough in his initial request, or if Hayden was just not being as responsive as he should be?

This is a common frustration for many leaders. Did they hear me? Did they really understand the importance? Was I not clear enough in my messaging? Or did they just not get it? To work out where the communication is breaking down, leaders need to firstly double-check their own delivery before assuming the fault is in the receivers decoding. Just to be safe…

A good way to double check your delivery is to check in with what was received to see if there were any gaps between your message, and your meaning, based on how the other person heard you. 

Close the gap early

The key here is not to wait to see what action the person takes, or doesn’t take, in accordance with your request, but to gently enquire, before the exchange is completed, so you can close any gaps as quickly as possible, and keep things on track.

A great way to do that is to simply to ask for the communication ‘receipt’* before you leave the conversation (meaning, check for understanding before you walk away). But sometimes it can be hard to find an elegant way to ask someone “did you hear what I just said?” without it coming across the wrong way. I know I’ve struggled with this issue.

How to get a receipt stamp for your message

When getting confirmation that someone has heard your message, what we really want to know is - did they understand what we meant, or just hear what we said? Are they listening purely to the content, or are they really hearing our intent?

For example:

Message: The report will need to be ready by 3pm today. It’s now overdue and we can’t afford to lose any more time on this. This is a big deal for the department. There is a lot at stake here. 

Meaning: I am nervous you won’t deliver again. If we miss this deadline my neck is on the line, and I need you to assure me that you’ll get it done. Don’t let me down.

To check for meaning over message, you can try some of the questions below. 

“Let me just check in with you here…”

• Where are you at with what I’ve just said?

• What comes up for you when I say how important this is?

• What did you take from our conversation just now?

• What reflections do you have on what we just discussed?

• What do you think is important to me, based on what we just discussed?

• Where do you think I might be at with this conversation right now?

• What’s the real message you’re hearing from me?

• What do you think I need from you right now?

• What do you think I’m really asking of you right now?

The responses you get to these types of questions will give you a quick indication as to what level of listening is going on – message or meaning, content or intent. Any further conversation required, can then be determined by their response.

Hopefully you hear a response like, “Ok I hear you. I understand that this is important to you. I won’t let you down again. I know there is a lot riding on this and I will prioritise this work over everything else until I get it done. What else can I do to help?”

And if you don’t get this type of response, then it’s time for a stronger, more direct conversation, but at least you’ll be clear about where they stand, and what they need from you.

Over to you…

Anneli

*Shout out to Julie Diamond, expert in Power Intelligence for this metaphor around the message receipt.